I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
