the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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