Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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