Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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