He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
