before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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