so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
