Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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