I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
