I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
