I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
