also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
