I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
