you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
