You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I party with great urgency now.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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