I think I just saw someone hide a body.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
