If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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