ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
