Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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