Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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