He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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