Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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