Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
