My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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