yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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