I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Come on in and take your pants off
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