you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
