Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I have aggressive nipples.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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