Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
