so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Randomize
