Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
