fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
