I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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