tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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