Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
