Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
