M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
