All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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