I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
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