At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I think I have vodka in my lungs
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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