My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
