you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
