so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
