last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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