I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
