i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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