I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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