At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
