dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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