sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
