my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
