She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
